Breathe Out

One sleepless night I discovered “sleep stories” on the calm.com app. I desperately resorted to it in need of a diversion from my own thinking. I came across Wonder by Chris Advansun which explores the wonders of our world and the universe as a grandfather and grandchild ponder the stars.

As a writer, I find the whole concept of a “sleep story” interesting - the author engages in the creation of written word with the absence of conflict. Rather than find purpose in using creative process to engage others in a drama, he aspires to disengage his audience entrenched in an anxiety driven society.

Genius.

Instead of his audience taking a deep breath in - on the edge of suspense - Advansun’s body of work encourages us to “breathe out” in a time and culture where there is an absence of such space - returning us to the roots of our past through oral tradition.

What I find even more beautiful in skimming a few interviews with the author is that ultimately he knew and discovered a unique purpose. His purpose. A clear sense of fulfillment.

Having tried the whole “sleep story” as a technique to actually help me fall asleep, I was moved by its pureness. I also was moved by God’s perfection, vastness, greatness in systems, and His creation when listening to the story Wonder.

I also felt very very very small. When was the last time you pondered the universe? The fact that we live and breathe on one little tiny planet.. third from a simple, little star in one of endless and unknowable solar systems, stars, and planets…I think we’ve all done this at some time or another throughout our lives. For me the timing caused me to grapple a little bit with scripture. God knows you by name - every hair, every breath (Luke 12:7). How can it be?

My little life is but a blink in all of this.  And I know it. It stirs up a whole array of emotions; sadness, fear, relief, apprehension, and conviction are but few.

How do I make my “blink” meaningful? Am I fulfilling God’s unique purpose?  St. Therese would say - YES! “God walks among the pots and pans.”

It was around the time I discovered the sleep story, that I decided to conquer a bucket list adventure with my family. Maybe Vandansun’s sleep story helped motivate me to make a visit to the Dark Sky Park in Mackinaw City a reality after an epoch fail last winter in a hopeful attempt to see the northern lights. While I went into the experience with few expectations this time, I did have it drummed up in my imagination that I’d have this serene moment with the kids as we cuddle under the stars listening to this beautiful story I discovered.

What really happened was quite the opposite. We trudged out to a spot with our wagon, blankets, and red light headlamps and tried to settle in. The sound of the waves beating against the rock was so loud it drowned out any chance of hearing Matthew Mcconnaughy’s deep voice reflecting on the inexplicable vastness of what was before us when reciting Vandansun’s story. We did however get to see a few stars pop out as the light faded to darkness before a chorus of, “I’m cold,” and “I’m tired,” joined in the song of the waves and we packed up to head out.

The following weekend I remember sitting in the pew at church…thinking of my smallness and God’s greatness. Thinking of how everything in my life seemed like “pots and pans.” I was a  little hopeless to be honest …Then of course the Holy Spirit came to my aid as our music director belted out a familiar hymn by Bernadette Farrell:

“Oh God, you search me and you know me. All my thoughts lie open to your gaze. When I walk or lie down, you are before me, Ever the maker and keeper of my days. You know my resting and my rising…”

How can this be? How can this truly be that God might know my little blink in this universe so perfectly? It doesn’t seem possible.

“You discern my purpose from afar, and with love everlasting your besiege me: in every moment of life or death, you are.”

My hopelessness is gently replaced with trust by a loving Father.

I breathe out. I mean really - I mentally and spiritually breathe out - not realizing I had been holding my breath in for so long. I can’t really mess this up, can I? God will always right my wrongs.

Such experiences probe me to reflect upon how our temperament might sometimes get in the way of our relationship with God and create temporary blinders on His purpose for our lives? As a sanguine-phlegmatic I notice I silently fight with God when he calls me to engage in uncomfortable conflict. Yet, I must trust He chooses me to aide others in navigating their purpose.  I see my many weaknesses and my own failures… God does too. Yet, he chooses me. I don’t have to know why.

Breathe out.

“Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid.” Luke 12: 7

The Minnow Trap

My six year old son loves thinking about how things work. He gets on kicks and absorbs as much as he can then develops a plan of execution. For example, last spring he went through a phase watching videos of people making fishing traps instead of using a pole. After some time he created his own model and eventually quite a little factory of minnow traps. After giving one to his Kindergarten teacher, who actually tried it - AND IT WORKED - he was ecstatic. (Thank you Jesus for amazing, engaged, and connected teachers in our children’s lives.)

This past weekend our new Bishop came to our parish. We had gone to 5:00 mass the day before. There was a poster in the gathering area that showed Bishop Gruss as both Bishop and the person underneath the robes as well - the human person on his own journey toward sainthood. One photo showed him holding up a string of fish and another on his motorcycle. My kids were of course drawn to seeing this side of any priest, yet alone...the Most Reverend. When it was announced he would preside at the Sunday masses the next day with a social after, I decided to pick up my mom so she and my children might have an opportunity to meet him between masses.

Of course, after seeing the picture with the fish, I suggested to Paulie he give him one of his homemade minnow traps as a gift. Paulie loved this idea. We arrived just at the end of the closing hymn and we were some of the first people Bishop Gruss encountered when exiting the church after the closing hymn.

Paulie introduced himself and gave him the gift. The Bishop then asked the younger boys their names as well. When Paulie tried to explain how it worked, throngs of people began exiting mass and of course Bishop was there to shake their hands and meet them. I ushered Paulie away. Seeing Paulie’s anxiety at not being able to complete his thoughts, our pastoral administrator let Paulie go in her office and write out how the minnow trap worked.

To give perspective, the trap is made out of a recycled water bottle. It is cut in half and then the spout is placed facing inward. I feel very proud to have been in charge of the hot glue during the factory stages of production.

Dear Bishop Gruss,

The minnow swims into the little hole after the bait (hot dogs and bread work best). He tries to find the hole to get out, but he can’t. You can use the minnow to catch a bass.

From,

Paulie Martindale

As I was scribing parts of the letter to make the process go more quickly, I thought of being trapped and all of the things that bait me.

In the first reading from last weekend (ECC 2:22-23), St. Paul writes, “ For what profit comes to mortals from all the toil and anxiety of heart with which they toil under the sun? Everyday sorrow and grief are their occupation; even at night his mind is not at rest. This also is vanity.”

This verse struck a chord with me as the past two nights I was woken by my children who had their own anxiety about “stay together” days coming to an end. Once awake, I could not fall asleep again. Anxiety crept in about everything…the upcoming school year, unmet tasks, unknown outcomes, people for whom I’m concerned and praying for - trapped. Worries about my parenting, my leadership, my discipleship.

Trapped - In a little hole trying to find the way out. It’s literally right in front of me. But I can’t find it. I know it’s there too. So, why can’t I sleep? Vanity of Vanities. I’m just a little minnow, I whispered to Jesus, have mercy on me!

Of course, I begin to pray. I ask the Holy Spirit to calm my mind and give me rest. Eventually, I fall asleep again.

You can use the minnow to catch a bass.

I think of our new Bishop. He is a shepherd. He is our leader. I am a little minnow. I imagine him gently taking me out of the trap and placing me beside his crosier (which strongly resembles a hook). He wants me to go out and help catch the next fish and the next. As you can tell by my latent blog posts and summer commitment to set boundaries and begin writing again, I think in my simple encounter with the Bishop - through the Holy Spirit - he did just this.

For each disciple, this looks different. Leadership is influence, not the position you hold. Discipleship is Christian leadership. How do I influence others? Do I judge? Create shame? Or, in an encounter, do I give hope and help another to seek the Lord for His endless mercy and healing. Do I help others see the potential in themselves and inspire them to seek it out?

Who does God give me daily to influence?

I influence my husband.
I influence my children.
I influence my co-workers.
I influence my family and friends.
I influence bystanders and strangers who see me.

Oh, how I would like to “catch a bass” and to “lure” even the seemingly bigger fish around me to the little hole where there is an infinite light.

The Pareto Principle

After the New Year came and went, I found my resolutions were not concrete. I knew I wanted to focus on being a humble leader (professionally and as a disciple of Christ) one who would truly help others see their potential, discover their passions, and live fully - not trapped in anxieties and compliance - but empowered by the Spirit in all we do. 

What do I need to change in my life to better achieve this? For me, the answer was focusing on relationships and truly listening, but how could I make this goal more real and measurable?

One thing I hear teachers say over and over is that there is just not enough time to fit it all in. One night when all the kiddos were in bed, I decided to spend some time simply searching…not my interior self…but the internet. I came across Pareto’s Principle. 

While this principle is applied mostly in the business world, it got me thinking about applying it in other disciplines. Here is a basic summary from a Forbes article applying this principle to financial decisions we make:

“Vilfredo Federico Damaso Pareto was born in Italy in 1848. He would go on to become an important philosopher and economist. 

Legend has it that one day he noticed that 20% of the pea plants in his garden generated 80% of the healthy pea pods. This observation caused him to think about uneven distribution. 

He thought about wealth and discovered that 80% of the land in Italy was owned by just 20% of the population. He investigated different industries and found that 80% of production typically came from just 20% of the companies. 

The generalization became: 80% of results will come from just 20% of the action.”

After applying this principle to daily aspect of living… For example, you probably wear 20% of your shoes 80% of the time. Or, you rely on the same 20% of the grocery store to satisfy 80% of your needs. Or let’s get very real - it is the same 20% of parents volunteering for PTO or church volunteers in stewardship roles. 

I, of course, am not the first educator who came across this principle. But, I did start talking to my teachers about their 80/20.

What do you invest your time and energy in that you think has the greatest impact on students? If you were to narrow it down to 20% of your day or your focus is meeting 80% of your kids needs - what would it be? On the other side of the coin, what energy traps do you find yourself in? 

The results in my school were amazing as I went around teacher to teacher to discuss this concept. Building relationships and small group instruction time were repeated over and over again.

Relationships. 

This blog started in an attempt to foster healthy relationships with each other especially through the challenges of change and having a growth mindset in our relationships. Of course, the most important relationship is with God as we strive to be holy people that truly hear His will and pursue it, despite failures and setbacks. 

So, as Christians, let’s take the 80/20 rule and apply it to our personal relationship with God. For each person this will be different. For example, if you are a Catholic reader, we know that full participation in the sacraments is probably at the top of the list. 

I cannot count how many times I’ve looked back on my week and wondered where the graces came from to meet the challenges…I know deep in my heart that the graces have come from receiving Eucharist on Sunday - even if I myself was distracted by a toddler in a meltdown or my own thoughts. God’s grace works through our human weakness. 

I often have to make choices about quiet time - being a mom of 3 children and a principal of over 700 - time alone with God is rare. I have to wake up very, very early to get my daily regiment of prayers and scripture in…or to journal, blog, exercise, read.  There are many days that my little slice of time gets interrupted by a tiny person who can’t sleep or heard me shuffling around and wants to cuddle because they woke up and are scared.

In these moments, my prayer is the deepest even if I am not reading scripture… I am living it. I hold the child in my arms trying desperately to wish away thoughts of aggravation because there is so much I wanted to do with my teeny tiny moment of quiet. Instead, I try to be mindful and present in the amazing gift of life. 

I feel a little foot pressed against mine and I ask God to hold me in the same way all day despite the unexpected challenges I might face. I ask Him to guard my decisions. Just as my little one trusts that I will not leave him in the midst of his fears of the dark, I ask God not to abandon me in the unknown. 

I think God and the saints agree these moments are part of my 80/20 …living them fully is best gift I can give Him.