Healing

My mom is a melancholic. I never viewed our relationship through that lens before. Today I would like share the profound effect that meeting somebody empathetically and intentionally where they are at can have on repentant and contrite heart. 

Recently, my mom’s legs have been hurting. She can’t really hold the baby very long and I’ve noticed her struggle to kneel at mass. She recently had an appointment at a pain management center she’s never been to and was hoping finally for some answers and relief. 

Since it was just a “consultation,” she didn’t want to bother one of us (her children) to take her. The morning of her scheduled appointment was crazy one for me and I had already moved around some formal observations. I suggested that it might ease her anxiety if  I would just drive with her once there in advance so she knew where she was going. 

We did just that and the appointment happened to be only minutes away from where my dad is buried, so we stopped and prayed at his grave for a bit too. She wanted to return home though because she had one other anxiety regarding paperwork that the place wanted in advance. She had read the line that if they did not have it in advance, her appointment would be at risk. I told her that I could easily scan and email it or fax it. No big deal. 

Even though I’ve never used my home printer as a scanner, it made her feel better to have me do it there rather than wait until I got to work in the morning. So what takes me 9 seconds at work was a half an hour adventure with the kids going crazy. I decided though it was best because I could see she was concerned I would forget about it in the craze of Monday mornings at the school. (She probably was right.) 

When the scan was complete she realized she hadn’t brought the email address with her. She was going to drive home and then drive back with it. “Mom. It’s okay, just call me and tell me it. It’s no big deal.” By this time, the kids bedtime routine was not happening. I kissed her goodbye and started with them.

When I lay next to Paulie in bed, I heard my phone ring once. If I got up and answered it, it would wake all of them up. I decided to let it go to voicemail. Accidentally falling asleep on Paulie’s bed, I woke up at 11:50 to head to my own bedroom. I grabbed my phone which I use as an alarm. 

Seven missed calls from mom. Seven voicemails carefully left in 17 minute increments. 

My heart broke. My mom needed peace. I know she wouldn’t have slept well worrying that her paperwork wouldn’t make it there. I called her back at midnight. She was still awake. “Mom, why didn’t you just leave the email on one of your messages?” 

“I didn’t think of that.” 

You see her melancholic vices allowed her to have tunnel vision and anxiety, especially when she knew she was dealing with her sanguine daughter who lives in a world of activity. 

Before heading to bed, I got on my computer and emailed the paperwork for my mom. I even asked the generic email responder to please let me know they received it. I desperately wanted my mom to have peace.

That night my heart swelled up with love for my mom and a new sort of patience and compassion I have never felt. 

Honor your mother and your father.

You see it had always been easy for me to relate to my dad, a fellow sanguine I’m sure. He was charismatic and funny. If I wrote a poem or drew a picture, he would study it with me and appreciate it. He “got” me.

My mom would come it (me) from a logical, rational standpoint. She is very black and white.  I would walk away feeling misunderstood. 

That night I thanked God for my mom’s sense of order, her committed prayer life, and her selflessness. I realized it her virtues that kept us all grounded. I forgave myself for all the moments that I have become agitated when trying to operate in her world. I asked God to relieve her anxiousness. 

On Wednesday, Lent begins. Take your new understanding of the temperaments into your relationships this Lenten season as you prepare your hearts for God. I can attest to the healing power if you open yourselves to it. 

At a recent workshop I overheard a teacher walking out saying to her principal. “I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. This year has been so rough. I leave drained instead of inspired. I thought I was losing my touch, but really I have a class with a collective temperament that challenges mine. I need to come at it differently.”

Ah. 

This Lent … Forgive yourselves. Be open to God’s voice. Heal a relationship. 

Jesus I trust in you. 

Disciple in Action

Would you attempt something if you knew you could not fail? 

Carol Dweck's book, Mindset, is full of examples of sports heroes, politicians, and billionaires who had a growth mindset. Yet, as Catholics our greatest models of growth mindset can be found by studying the lives of our saints. 

Pick one. Any saint…Google their bio…go on your Laudate app…open up that book from Barnes and Noble that you've had sitting on the end table for years…Whichever Saint you choose, I guarantee that saint had a growth mindset about eternity. They had to. They faced insurmountable, seemingly impossible tasks from any logical or worldly standpoint. Yet, they did not shy away from the challenge God put in their heart. If they lapsed into periods of a fixed mindset, their dependence on the sacraments and the graces that flowed did not allow them to stay there too long. 

Certainly they faced countless upsets and failures along the way, but did not become paralyzed by the thought of failure to abandon their mission…Even when those they loved and served alongside were martyred before them. Our Catholic saints were resilient. 

Does modern culture teach us to be resilient? Are we teaching our children to be resilient?

At a recent workshop, I had a fellow disciple say to me… “I finally embraced my choleric temperament. I went through all the stages of grief - denial, anger…but once I did, I’m much more at peace.” 

Even though she and I are almost opposite temperaments, as a sanguine-phlegmatic, I remember feeling the same way when I first started exploring the temperaments as a way to grow in virtue. I also remember the deep peace I felt when I finally just submitted to the Lord and said, “God, You are my creator. You made me and You continue to shape me everyday. You put me here now. Thank you.”

You see - God did not make us to fail. He made us perfectly in His image. The sacraments give us every grace to live out His plan in us. Every moment is therefore a gift to learn from and lead us Sainthood. Why then is it so easy to become crippled by self-doubt, anxiety, self-deprecation? What is that fine line between being humble and critical, but not steeped in self pity? 

For me, it can be the dumbest thing that shakes me from the mast I cling to during a storm. Sometimes it’s not even a storm…it’s a sprinkle. I might weather the storm (intense parent meeting, behavior plan in place for a child whose status quo is in crisis, completing a budget that might work, evaluations that are actually meaningful)…

…but then I get a phone call from (insert person…pastor, parent, teacher) that so and so didn’t like a dress code call, the kids are out of hand in the hallway, that I forgot to communicate something about a schedule change, etc. I feel so anxious - like I failed. Like it's too much.  No one gets it. This must not be where God wants me. 

Where is my resilience? 

If I were more choleric, would I even blink at this? How ironic that my fellow choleric disciple needed to “embrace” her temperament, when I myself am so enamored by the gifts of choleric leaders: strong, decisive, confident, clear, and commanding. How I strive daily to execute these skills and fail so often. 

Dear God,

When the vices of my temperament distract me from the mission You’ve set in my heart. Stop Satan. Away with you! Lord, give me the grace and the strategies to forge ahead like the Saints and accomplish the task at hand. Amen.

The following is my formula when we are faced with sense paralysis under the mercy of our vices:

1) Be humble - It’s okay to not know. 

2) Pray.  Accept. Stop making excuses. 

3) Build a relationship. 

4) Develop a plan. 

5) Be prepared to repeat steps 1-4 over and over again. 

This formula is what growth mindset is all about. We have to be willing to try something, risk failure, and try again after tweaking or throwing something out all together and starting over. Even in those seemingly "complete failures" to us, there is no such thing with God. It is from these experiences we grow in virtue the most. 

Would you attempt something if you knew you could not fail?

A true saint knows he cannot fail. Jesus Christ already bore our sins and our failings when He shed His blood for us. Don’t dwell - just DO! Be a Disciple in Action. Resilient and secure in Christ’s unconditional love. 

Virtue in Action

Virtue in Action

To grow in virtue, we must first “own” our faults, have the courage to address them, and a combination of grace and intention to change our actions and behaviors. 

How does your school recognize students who demonstrate virtue? The truth is we may do a better job as teachers (or parents) recognizing when infractions to a virtuous life have occurred. 

Discipline is necessary and even more powerful when rooted in the language of virtue.  This comes in the form of time outs, a one on one conversation, lunch detention, before or after school prayer, an office referral, a phone call home…Yet, for this discipline to be meaningful each of these interventions must be part of a greater conversation with the child:

• Begin with a prayer (I most often pray to the Holy Spirit..)
• What did you do?
• Why did you do it?
• What’s going to happen if you do it again?
• What virtue do you need to work on?
• How will you cultivate that virtue?
• You are not alone…God will give you every grace if you ask…Let’s pray! 

Our school uses the Disciple of Christ, Education in Virtue program which has these great cards that have a prayer, scripture, and saint right on the back of the card to guide these interventions. 

(Side note: You can access them online by going to the left side bar of this blog and clicking on “Learn the Virtues.” This only works if you are reading this on a computer or the web version of this blog on your phone.)

But…How are we noticing those students who are applying that simple formula on a regular basis in areas that don’t require some egregious lapse in character to get noticed? I am going to list a few school wide examples, but I encourage those of you who regularly read this blog to then comment with your great ideas or what your school is already doing!

Monthly or weekly school wide recognition (after mass or morning prayer is a great time)

• Don’t forget Carol Dweck’s advice to praise wisely by stating out loud specific actions and behaviors demonstrated by the child, so others can learn truly what that virtue in action looks like and sounds like

A weekly school wide focus virtue for more in depth study

• Students may do quick skits or role play 
• Integrate this virtue into writer’s workshop, quick writes, or journaling during Religion class
• Write poems or letters that can be shared at morning prayer or before/after all school mass
• Include the virtue and ways to cultivate it in weekly newsletters

Daily recognition of Christian Witness:

• Distribute positive virtue tickets regularly
• Have a weekly drawing and pass out prayer cards to students who get tickets

(We have a whole box full of prayer cards, sometimes with beautiful medals, that get sent to the school from Religious organizations seeking support. You know what I’m talking about! Instead of recycling these…put them to use!)

Parents - if your child’s school has implemented education in virtue in, get on board! Use the same language at home with your child. You may even want to modify and use some of the same tools at home. 

As a matter of fact at one of my schools, our latest “Virtue in Action” tickets are a revised version of something we tried awhile back that sort of fizzled out. By demonstrating a collective growth mindset, we have reinvented this strategy!

After writing this, I think I’m going to send a sheet home to parents this week so they can also give them out at home! Why not? What a great way to partner together! Parents practice spelling words and turn gray doing math homework, why wouldn’t they review and practice the virtues as well? Great ACT scores are one thing…but eternity is a whole different ball game.

Take Up My Cross (that wooden beam)

You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye. ~ Matthew 7:5

We have spent the last month together exploring the temperaments, our natural impulses and reactions to situations, and how to relate to others on our team or in our family given their natural tendencies or patterns of reaction.

Choleric: Quick Reaction, Long lived impression

Sanguine: Quick Reaction, Short lived impression

Melancholic: Slow Reaction, Long lived impression

Phlegmatic: Slow Reaction, Short lived impression

Before we move forward on classroom applications of virtue education and using our knowledge about the temperaments to yield a positive school and classroom culture, we must first make a commitment to ourselves and each other.

Stop judging, that you may not be judged. ~ Matthew 7:1

Don’t get mad and stop reading. We don’t do it on purpose…most of us. Being judgmental is second nature to most of us, deeply engrained in our humanity and our sin. Being judgmental is also a gift as we sort out truth amidst that which leads to disillusionment and confusion. 

Yet, we seem to be hard wired to notice the vices in temperaments in ourselves and others before we pay close attention to the virtues. After reading this post, you may set out to conscientiously be more forgiving, less judgmental..but will mess up within the first ten minutes of walking through the school doors or into your home after a long day of work. I am speaking from experience…and I’m a sanguine whose naturally inclined to let things go more quickly (short lived impressions)! Yet, I do it.  I judge. Then, I put myself in check (often talking out loud to myself to make it stick …Sanguine!) and I start over. Then I fail and start over again …. 

Are you starting to see why growth mindset is so important in meeting our ultimate goal, the goal of eternity, to be in the arms of our heavenly Father accompanied by all of the saints forever! 

Let me use the phlegmatic disciple for a moment as an example. As we explored this temperament we learned that phlegmatics are slow to react in situations, like the melancholic, they tend to mull things over and chew on them for awhile before publicly taking a stand one way or another (if ever publicly taking a stand - they may just keep it between them and God forever!)  

Because of their inclination to introversion, when they do speak up it may come across in a variety of manners - awkward, rude, inflated, over-confident, or too passive, etc. While the phlegmatic has put a tremendous amount of energy stepping out of their backseat role to contribute, instead of looking at the positive in their idea or statement, other temperaments tend to get fixated on what was off-putting, rather than the intent of the person.

In a similar situation, a choleric will simply bull doze by any criticism and get everyone on point again. The sanguine will most likely say, “Oops…I didn’t mean it like that (insert humor, joke, deflection).” The melancholic usually takes little gruff either because the team usually expects them to offer advice and input that counters or dissects the message at hand. Since it's more expected, it is taken with a grain of salt. 

Let me take you back to a message from one of my first posts. To move ahead with any collective vision (hopefully preparing ourselves and others for sainthood as the greatest ideal) we need to meet each other where we’re at. 

Next time someone gets under your skin, try to analyze the situation. Separate your emotion from your faith and reason. Use your faith and reason to guide you. Very often we let our emotions rule us - a sense of being offended - when in reality the person who has offended us had no direct intention of doing so, it was simply the nature of their temperament that resulted in division…a gold mine for Satan to creep in and influence the mission. 

Let’s save our souls and thank God for the disciples with whom we travel, for their unique blend of temperaments, and for how they challenge us daily to look deeply into one another as Christ would:

• at the intention of an action, rather than focusing on poor execution 
• how to respond with faith and reason, rather than capricious emotions
• to forgive rather than judge
• to grow in virtue

For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. ~ Matthew 7:2

Reflection/Prayer:

Choleric: Dear Jesus, Give me wisdom and grace to judge less and forgive more readily and to see with a broad vision the needs of my family, friends, and those I serve. 

Sanguine: Dear Jesus, Give me the discipline and obedience to look deeply at situations and hear your voice to guide my response to the needs of my family, friends, and those I serve. 

Melancholic: Dear Jesus, Give me the wisdom and grace to judge less and forgive more readily and to bring to fullness the ideals and truth you plant in my heart.

Phlegmatic: Dear Jesus, Give me wisdom and grace to bring to fullness the ideals and truth you plant in my heart and the courage to respond to the needs of my family, friends, and those I serve.