Breathe Out

One sleepless night I discovered “sleep stories” on the calm.com app. I desperately resorted to it in need of a diversion from my own thinking. I came across Wonder by Chris Advansun which explores the wonders of our world and the universe as a grandfather and grandchild ponder the stars.

As a writer, I find the whole concept of a “sleep story” interesting - the author engages in the creation of written word with the absence of conflict. Rather than find purpose in using creative process to engage others in a drama, he aspires to disengage his audience entrenched in an anxiety driven society.

Genius.

Instead of his audience taking a deep breath in - on the edge of suspense - Advansun’s body of work encourages us to “breathe out” in a time and culture where there is an absence of such space - returning us to the roots of our past through oral tradition.

What I find even more beautiful in skimming a few interviews with the author is that ultimately he knew and discovered a unique purpose. His purpose. A clear sense of fulfillment.

Having tried the whole “sleep story” as a technique to actually help me fall asleep, I was moved by its pureness. I also was moved by God’s perfection, vastness, greatness in systems, and His creation when listening to the story Wonder.

I also felt very very very small. When was the last time you pondered the universe? The fact that we live and breathe on one little tiny planet.. third from a simple, little star in one of endless and unknowable solar systems, stars, and planets…I think we’ve all done this at some time or another throughout our lives. For me the timing caused me to grapple a little bit with scripture. God knows you by name - every hair, every breath (Luke 12:7). How can it be?

My little life is but a blink in all of this.  And I know it. It stirs up a whole array of emotions; sadness, fear, relief, apprehension, and conviction are but few.

How do I make my “blink” meaningful? Am I fulfilling God’s unique purpose?  St. Therese would say - YES! “God walks among the pots and pans.”

It was around the time I discovered the sleep story, that I decided to conquer a bucket list adventure with my family. Maybe Vandansun’s sleep story helped motivate me to make a visit to the Dark Sky Park in Mackinaw City a reality after an epoch fail last winter in a hopeful attempt to see the northern lights. While I went into the experience with few expectations this time, I did have it drummed up in my imagination that I’d have this serene moment with the kids as we cuddle under the stars listening to this beautiful story I discovered.

What really happened was quite the opposite. We trudged out to a spot with our wagon, blankets, and red light headlamps and tried to settle in. The sound of the waves beating against the rock was so loud it drowned out any chance of hearing Matthew Mcconnaughy’s deep voice reflecting on the inexplicable vastness of what was before us when reciting Vandansun’s story. We did however get to see a few stars pop out as the light faded to darkness before a chorus of, “I’m cold,” and “I’m tired,” joined in the song of the waves and we packed up to head out.

The following weekend I remember sitting in the pew at church…thinking of my smallness and God’s greatness. Thinking of how everything in my life seemed like “pots and pans.” I was a  little hopeless to be honest …Then of course the Holy Spirit came to my aid as our music director belted out a familiar hymn by Bernadette Farrell:

“Oh God, you search me and you know me. All my thoughts lie open to your gaze. When I walk or lie down, you are before me, Ever the maker and keeper of my days. You know my resting and my rising…”

How can this be? How can this truly be that God might know my little blink in this universe so perfectly? It doesn’t seem possible.

“You discern my purpose from afar, and with love everlasting your besiege me: in every moment of life or death, you are.”

My hopelessness is gently replaced with trust by a loving Father.

I breathe out. I mean really - I mentally and spiritually breathe out - not realizing I had been holding my breath in for so long. I can’t really mess this up, can I? God will always right my wrongs.

Such experiences probe me to reflect upon how our temperament might sometimes get in the way of our relationship with God and create temporary blinders on His purpose for our lives? As a sanguine-phlegmatic I notice I silently fight with God when he calls me to engage in uncomfortable conflict. Yet, I must trust He chooses me to aide others in navigating their purpose.  I see my many weaknesses and my own failures… God does too. Yet, he chooses me. I don’t have to know why.

Breathe out.

“Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid.” Luke 12: 7