Tick Tock

Sometimes I feel like a clock. Not the outward part, but rather all of the gears inside that are operating in conjunction, well timed, and fitted so that the outward part is correct and reliable. 

As an administrator, so often silence is the only answer when empathizing with someone who doesn’t see the greater picture. They only see the face of the clock and not everything going on to make it work. I may get frustrated because they are upset with the "font of the numerals" and disregard the fact that I’ve been troubleshooting "the rust" that's been slowly developing on the inside that no one knows about…This analogy can be filled in many ways in a variety of circumstances. Perhaps you've felt like this trying to balance the needs of your classroom or family.

I often have to remind myself it is not a parent or teacher’s job to know the greater picture. As a teacher or parent, it is important to remember the same about our children. It is not always appropriate to fulfill that human desire to gain their affirmation or empathy by discussing it with them. As an administrator, it is my job alone with the guidance of my superiors to have oversight over the whole picture and carry that burden in silence … as a sanguine who fights the inward desire to seek approval, this is definitely a place for me to grow in virtue. 

So instead, I say a prayer and carefully place their needs as a new part into the delicate workings of the clock. Come Holy Spirit…

With that said, God blesses me as witness to these amazing moments of humanity that are born from within the delicate workings of the clock often coming together unexpectedly…. The family that anonymously reaches out to another with food and gifts…the parent who looks at their child whose struggling and says, “I love you more than anything else no matter what…” The teacher that fills in for another teacher on the spot no questions asked in a moment of crisis or need. Or, the seemingly random donation from a generous benefactor at just the right time. 

Here is one that will certainly put you in the right place this Christmas day:

This is a facebook post by a dad whose autistic son was able to behold up close the life size corpus on the cross when it was taken down for cleaning the day before Christmas break. His post read:

“I have a story to share with everyone about Holy Rosary. Today Aaron was given an awesome opportunity to see Jesus up close as a few parish members removed the corpus from the cross for cleaning. They knew the deep love that Aaron has for Jesus and invited him into the church for a peek, he loved it so much! Aaron's love for Jesus started in Mrs O'Brien's Kindergarten class, when he would have some meltdowns she would take him into the church to calm him down and it was instant relief for him, I'm truly grateful for all the teachers, staff and Fr. Roy for helping my family deepen our faith and grow our love for Jesus each and every day. All our students are blessed to be apart of such an awesome community.” Attached to this post was a picture of Aaron next to Jesus smiling with breathtaking joy and wonder. 

It’s Christmas today. This season..this new year…I encourage you to actively seek out these blessings and allow them to motivate you. So often they are clouded by the vices of our unique temperament, yet they are the places where we will see the face of Jesus. 

They will animate and motivate you to continue your mission and journey to sainthood if you ask the Holy Spirit to open you to them. This is God’s gift to us through the most beautiful moment of all humanity…when Mary held the infant Jesus in her arms and stared with wonder at his Holy face. 

May we see the face of Jesus with this same wonder in everyone we encounter this week. Merry Christmas! 

Work in Progress

I am sure you desire tangible results from your efforts to grow in virtue? Who wouldn’t? Perhaps you’ve been “intentional” this past week to navigate outside of your temperament in hopes that something might change in an area or relationship in which you’ve been praying for grace. It wasn’t easy, was it? As a matter of fact, you probably felt a little vulnerable.

I had two moments this week that shed great light on the deeper purpose of Fixed on God, Growing in Virtue.

#1: Fr. Roy Horning at our weekly all school mass reminded us that when we were children we loved more freely and openly. Children are more likely to accept the Truth that Jesus loves us - unconditionally. Yet, something happens as we get older. We get more cynical and hard hearted. Why? Because we sin and this separates us from God. Worse, we may not be receiving the sacraments regularly, like going to mass or confession. Growing in virtue then becomes that active journey to “undo” the sin that has hardened us.  It’s okay, we are a work in progress. 

#2: Kasey Cronin, Executive Director of Genesee County Catholic Schools, in brainstorming with me and our teachers asked this question - At what point do we stop honoring the approximations of children and begin instead to expect perfection?  Her example was that of her grandson who says, “Bumpa” instead of “grandpa.” No one gets mad that this little child is falling short of the correct pronunciation. The toddler of course is not chastised. As a matter of fact, it is endearing to most. We smile at the effort of the child who is eager to communicate.

Her example shed light on thousands of examples I could produce as I watch my own children learn. I’m sure in reading this, you are remembering endearing things your parents told you that you did as a child or your own children did or said as they tried to make sense of the world. As we mature, our approximations become more and more the ideal. But along the way, we are a work in progress.

In my experience, we feel the most grace when we openly and honestly admit that all things (and people) are a work in progress. Me…you…your school is a work in progress. Your principal is a work in progress. Your colleagues are a work in progress. Each parent and student you encounter is a work in progress - so are our closest friends, our children, and yes, even those antagonists God places so carefully in our lives. 

Today I ask you to accept others as they are. No one is perfect…yet. We will not ever reach that perfection so long as we are bound by our flesh and our earthly desires.

Think of a person that has disappointed you this week or let you down. Remind yourself, that like you, they are also a work in progress. Certainly we can honor their “approximation” as they try to live out their baptismal call. Unlike the the little child whose mistakes are endearing, it is hard to see the faults of fellow disciples as anything less than purposeful. 

For example, maybe you are a parent reading this and you have school age children. Think of that moment in which your child’s teacher did not live up to your expectations. Perhaps your child has come home confused, hurt, or misunderstood. This is hard to bear.  Depending on our temperament, we are prone to react to disappointment in varied ways. A choleric might react right away, spouting off about why the teacher is in the wrong. The melancholic might internalize and dwell on it, thus becoming hard of heart. The sanguine might be prone to gossip… All of these reactions do not yield goodness. 

Instead of letting your disappointment rule you, remind yourself that we are all a work in progress. Go talk to the teacher and listen. (If you are choleric, give it a night's rest. If you are a melancholic, be open minded. If you are a phlegmatic - be armed with courage and grace. If you are sanguine, it's okay to take this moment to be serious.) Go into the encounter with the general understanding that 99% of teachers would never hurt a child in a purposeful way. Brace yourself too… There is a chance that you and the teacher may have opposite temperaments. If you recognize this going into the conversation, it will help you to see more where they were coming from. 

If you are a teacher, think of that moment in which your principal or a fellow teacher said something that seemed insensitive or got under your skin…maybe it was at a faculty meeting…maybe in the lounge. Maybe it is something you just can’t let go. Again, remember that your principal or colleagues are also a work in progress.  Ask yourself - does their natural temperament clash with mine? Can I ask God for grace to break down that barrier so we can come to understand what we have in common?  Certainly making the school a place of love is common ground we can all stand on. 

With Christmas upon us, we are swimming in gifts - writing lists, buying, wrapping, planning, giving. Believe it or not, the very best gift you have been given this week is that person with whom you clash the most. Without that person, you would not be challenged to step outside your temperament and grow in virtue. It is in coming to understand our relationship with them that requires the most sacrifice and the most love. We also receive the most fruits of the spirit; love, joy, peace…goodness.  

Next weekend we celebrate Christmas… The birth of our Lord and Savior who came to us as little baby. Let me repeat that…God gave us His son as a little infant…the antithesis of hard-hearted. Let us strive this week to make our hearts a little softer, even vulnerable, and dwell in the great Truth that His love is not an approximation. It is perfection.

Divide and Conquer?

“Division is the weapon the devil employs most to destroy the Church from within.” ~ Pope Francis (http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/pope-francis-gossip-is-the-devils-weapon-against-the-church-26159/)

This past week that theme resonated from every crook, cranny, and attic of my life and in the most obvious spaces I spend my time and thought. The undercurrent of division is everywhere, even in the most “Catholic” of places - our homes, our schools, and yes, our churches. I argue that we must be on guard because it is even more palpable during this Holy season. Divide and conquer is the devil’s best trick and boy do we fall for it so easily. 

Stop reading for a minute and reflect on your past week. When was the devil dancing because he succeeded at a breakdown in relationship between you and someone you love -or- someone you have been called to work with on a project or goal, one aimed to advance your school’s mission? If I were the devil and I wanted a breakdown in relationships, I would start in our Catholic schools. From my experience, except at the Eucharistic table itself, there is nothing sweeter to Jesus than his little ones gathered daily and instructed in His love. We need to be aware and conscious of Pope Francis’ warning. What are our best weapons against the destructive force of division?

Here are a few nuggets from my week:

Weapon # 1: Communication

When a student asked Fr. Paul Donelly about what to do when you ask someone for forgiveness and they give you the silent treatment - not for five minutes, but for “like a week,” he said..and I’m paraphrasing a little… Silence separates us from Jesus. The minute we stop talking then there is no room for Jesus. 

His explanation about silence reinforces the glue of our journey together to grow in holiness. Healthy and holy relationships. The message of this blog is to grow in self knowledge so we can foster relationships in our lives, relationships that are healthy and strong, so together we can advance the mission of the church. 

Weapon # 2: Honesty. Honesty about where we are at, so we can truly meet others where they are at.

My sister, a devout and wonderful Catholic mother with a strong devotion to Mary, is also my Godmother. She takes that role very seriously and in my formative years when I was explorative and curious (very sanguine you’ll see!), she would warn me about being a “cherry picking Catholic.” I’ve heard others use the term “cafeteria Catholic.” I would like to argue that as we begin to explore the temperaments to grow in self knowledge and thereby in virtue by applying what we know to build relationships, it is important we don’t “cherry pick” with whom we want to be in a Christ centered relationship. If you’re in…you’re all in…

Still reading? 

Phew. 

Let’s get to work. If you look at the side panel of this blog (which won’t appear if you’re reading on your phone, so click on “web version”) there is a link to Art and Laraine Benett’s book, The Temperament God Gave Us. This is a great stocking stuffer for yourself or someone you love! They also wrote, The Temperament that God Gave Your Kids which is equally awesome for parents and teachers. Also, you can go on the internet and take various temperament quizzes to get an idea of the temperament that is your most natural state. I have a link to one provided that gives immediate feedback. 

If you start exploring temperament before actually reading the book, here is something important to remember:

Temperament neither defines our personality nor locks us into one pattern of reactions…(it) tells us how we naturally tend to react and makes certain behaviors, responses, virtues, and vices easier or more difficult for us. (p. 7)

No temperament is good or bad. People of every temperament have become Saints! Only Christ himself is perfection. 

Weapon # 3: Forgiveness

I have found that by being aware of my temperament and the tendencies of others, I forgive much more easily rather than becoming offended quickly. This in itself fosters relationships rather than division. 

I have also found that by growing in self knowledge, I am more specific in my prayer and conversations with Jesus. For example, once you know your temperament, you can pray for an increase in a certain virtue and believe me - whether you like it or not - God will start to give you opportunities to grow in these virtues. 

For example, a choleric, that classic go getter who likes to take charge, can pray for humility so he or she can truly accept constructive feedback. The melancholic who internalizes and analyzes everything  and who can often get brought down by what doesn’t seem fair or right can pray for joy and peace. Sanguines with a natural eagerness about life that can often get sidetracked (especially our prayer life) can pray for faithfulness and obedience. Phlegmatics wishing to avoid conflict and keep the peace can pray for perseverance in those moments it seems easier to withdraw and avoid a situation in which God is calling you to be a voice. 

Most importantly, instead of letting resentment fester that breeds division in our daily interactions with one another…we can simply take our frustration to the cross of Jesus and be more specific in our prayer for one another as well. 

Looking at life through this lens turns every moment into an opportunity to grow in vice (division) or virtue (relationship) with God and others. The most important weapon? LOVE. 

…yet!

Have you had a chance to watch a few of Carol Dweck’s youtube videos on the Power of Yet? (See side panel) I’m guessing, probably not.. If you’re like me you forgot all about this blog sitting in your mailbox last week as you caught up with all of the action items in your inbox from the long weekend. That’s okay - I get it! I can empathize with you! Empathy is the key to intentional growth in virtue. The temperaments give us a language for studying the virtues and applying them in our daily life. We’ll get more into the temperaments next week - let's start with the heart of things: virtue.

If you’ve been at one of my workshops you may recall the core of Carol Dweck’s message…If not, I’ll paraphrase: Live growth minded! When something doesn’t work out the way you planned - add the word “yet” to the end of every sentence in your pity party and then get to work coming up with a new plan. 

For kids: 

“I just don’t get this math…yet! (Brainstorm new strategies)

“I’ll never make a free throw” VS. “I haven’t made a free throw …yet!” (Go back to fundamentals and practice)

For teachers: “The kids just don't get this…yet!” 

“The dynamic of this group is tough. I can’t get them to work together…yet!”

“Argh. No matter what I do my math scores are not grade level …yet!” 

For administrators: “Is it the end of the day…yet?” Just kidding! Wrong yet. Plus we all know there is no such thing! Let me try again. For administrators: “We just don’t have the funds for that…yet.”

For parents: “I can’t get Laura to stay in her own bed…yet!” Okay. Let’s face it there are some things to which a growth mindset might not apply and bedtime routine might be one of them. Let’s hope Ms. Dweck isn’t on this blog. But you get the drift!

Now let’s apply this mindset to living our lives in a holy way. First of all, why is it that it took until my mid (okay…late) thirties and a call to serving in Catholic schools to actually learn about the virtues and be asked to think about cultivating them in an intentional way? I was raised in a family that attended church every Sunday. I went to Catholic schools for more than half of my formative years. Yet language of virtue was absent in many ways. What I  know now is that virtue is the most important “not yet.”

It is my hope that as part of the new evangelization, the Pope’s call to renew our relationship with Jesus Christ and his church, that the language of virtue becomes a means for constancy in our formation and thereby the formation of our youth. So let’s take a look at how we can restore and be models of this language in our homes, classrooms, and various offices. 

First of all, kids are smart. They sense sarcasm, being condescended, being talked down to… Half the time we don’t even know we’re doing it because it’s so ingrained in our adult “humor.” They know when you’re really at their level or when pretenses create a barrier of trust. From my experiences, those children who simply need us the most are also the ones who pick up on it faster and are the most vulnerable. We also often confuse what it means to be authoritarian and in control in a virtous way.

So let’s get something straight right away. God really meant it when he said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3) You see - we can’t really practice empathic and intentional growth in virtue unless we first look at every person in our lives and admit that we ourselves are capable of making the same mistakes, starting with the children entrusted to us. 

This concept is also true of the parents whose needs we respond to as educators. We're all capable of making the same mistake. Let’s reverse it parents…this is also true of our expectations of teachers. Now let’s make this really personal - shine the flash light on our marriage sacrament. Can we really admit that we’re capable of making the same mistakes as our spouse? 

So let’s revisit growth mindset in the context of virtue and building relationships in our school, homes, and parishes…

“I just can quite get the respect of (insert name) or connect to them…yet.” (Which virtue will help?)

“My venting always turns into gossiping and I know it. I’ll start over tomorrow and use prudence. I’m just not there…yet.”

“I just can’t forgive them…yet.”

So let’s pray for one another this week that God will show us the place in ourselves and in our relationships that most need a growth mindset with an intentional, empathic response rooted in virtue. May He continue to bestow His unconditional graces on these most challenging opportunities to grow in virtue. Most importantly, may our love for Him grow deeper because of this journey.

(If you want to explore the virtues, go to the side panel and click on the link to the Education in Virtue resources. You can study each cardinal virtue and definitions that your and your children can relate to by what they look and sound like. Just click on "select another virtue" where you see the example "affability" card. At my schools we focus on a virtue of the week and pray that parents are doing so with us at home.) 

Let's meet Him half way!

Relationships. Building Relationships. Being in relationship with one another. Shouldn't this be easy? Sure. It is with my best friend. My mom. My spouse and my kids...sometimes. Wait a second. What about at work? Yes. I like the people I work with. Of course I do. It's a Catholic school. We're all Christians. Okay - here comes the stereotyped Catholic guilt…

The truth is I love the people I encounter each day, but it's not always easy. I love them because of their, "yes," to choose Catholic schools despite the sacrifices we all make to answer God’s call. But just because we're Catholic, doesn't mean it's always easy to be in a relationship.

Why? Because though we are all made in God's image, we each have our own unique "temperament" thumbprint. It swirls with mostly one of the four temperaments and is shaded in a distinct combination of the other three. Art and Laraine Bennett, the authors of, The Temperament God Gave Us, encourage us to use self knowledge about our temperament to grow in virtue. It is their work, along with Carol Dweck's research on Growth Mindset that has invigorated my personal ministry.

By adopting a growth mindset, a mindset that embraces change and does not become paralyzed by failure - along with an intentional journey toward growth in virtue, we lay the foundation of Christ's call to discipleship. I argue this is not always action, nor contemplation, or even prayer.. True discipleship is first communion with one another nourished by the sacraments. Prayer is that same relationship with Christ. 

Of course, you're thinking... That's almost obvious. Please don't stop reading...yet!

I challenge you.

 I challenge you to consider your daily encounters or avoidance of encounters. I challenge you to revise them with a new mindset - one that is intentional and empathic. 

You love your children - but they're not always easy. Why? You love your spouse, but marriage is a choice and sometimes that choice is difficult. Why? You love those you journey with in your vocation, but some people just aren't on the same page as you. Why?

Because that thumbprint God gave us, sometimes it swirls in the opposite direction for someone we're working with or called to love. Some temperaments mesh in different ways and if we're not open to allowing those that are most challenging for us to encounter as an opportunity to grow in virtue, then being in communion with one another is not quite as obvious as we thought.

It means - meeting one another where we're at. And I don't mean just tapping into that person's mood that day or taking into consideration they're under stress so you can let a certain comment or moment go and forgive them. I mean really meeting them where they're at. Understanding them as a child of God through the lens of their temperament thumbprint. Being patient. Aware. Challenged to constantly grow in virtue.

Following a presentation giving an overview of growth mindset and growth in virtue to the Diocese of Lansing administrators, Tim Carpenter, the Director of Catechesis,  said this to me afterward…"This is what Christ DID. He met us where we were at."

Now that should have been obvious to me as it is the life and breath of my message - but until that moment I hadn't comprehended my own words yet at that very primordial level. It for me was a true epiphany. Yes. Christ DID. He met me, little struggling me, where I am at.  He is God. Made flesh. Made to bruise - both physically and emotionally. Made to breathe and to hunger - physically and spiritually. Made to laugh. Made to cry. And made to die. Christ met us where we are at, even though He is so far above our small, diminutive scope of life and death. 

So we are called now to follow Him by granting the same willingness to encounter every person without defenses or excuses, rather a mindset that is open to grow in virtue by building holy relationships with one another despite our differences and lack of compatibility. Not every encounter will be easy and clean - or even a success - but it is through this interchange and intentional empathic encounters that we journey together toward sainthood.